It was Okay and I am Okay

I want this to be profound. That, in general, has always been my problem. I want to believe that my life is larger than it is, that these past four years were more than taking tests in cinder block walled rooms. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't, but if I've learned anything from high school it's to recognize when I'm being overly Meursault-ish and to cut that shit out sometimes.


But it's really hard! Seniors are definitely consistently encouraged to reflect on themselves and their high school career constantly. On top of that, this year has been even more strange for me because every day in English it's like I'm back in Paideia sitting in the same seat I sat in when I was just a Freshman listening to the same teacher with the same peers (not that I'm not glad, you began my high school experience on a high note and are ending it with more of your lovely self!) So I've basically been stumbling around in a bubble of stress and nostalgia all year and I can not begin to describe how weird that is. Considering this, I hope I can be forgiven for pretentious flights of fancy.


Anyways, now that I'm already droning on, let's reflect!! Okay I'm not gonna be fake and say I enjoyed high school, love Millbrook, or that I'm sad to be leaving now that graduation is close. I'm mostly excited to be leaving honestly (the only negative feelings I have about graduation are anxieties about not doing well in college). It's not that I hated Millbrook-I doubt I would have liked any other high school. High school just wasn't my thing, it was no one's fault really.


I was never the person who went to sporting events or parties. But I also wasn't into obsessively competing for class rank. I just didn't see the point in spending time on those things. However, I have always been very academically minded. I consider myself an intelligent person, but not because of my GPA or test scores. I memorized my material to get the A and promptly forgot everything to make room for the next unit. Nothing about that made me smarter and or feel proud of myself. I wish I'd spent less time doing that and more time with my family and friends.


 That being said, I did find some things that I took pride in doing in high school. Being a leader at GSA really made me feel like I was making the school a better place for people like me who often found it volatile. Even though not many people read the paper, I took pride in creating something tangible. IB Art pushed me to be creative and engage in an activity where I know that I am not the best, and be content with that fact. One of my main goals is to continue making art, but I know that it will be hard if I don't have a class where it is mandatory.


Some people go through a total metamorphosis during high school. I think that I am more or less the same person now that I was when I started high school. I even look basically the same, the only big difference being that I didn't start wearing winged eyeliner until the second semester of Freshman year. I might be a bit more confident in speaking my mind and not caring about other's opinion of me, and maybe a bit less pretentious (I used to think I was gonna go to Oxford, c'mon) but overall nothing significant has changed.


Millbrook was an okay place for me in high school. Most of the time no one really acknowledged the things I did do for the school, which is why it was surprising to be recognized as an Outstanding Senior and to be inducted into Service Club. It was a little annoying to be given all these awards when no one cared for the three years before that, but it was nice, I guess. I wasn't crazy about some people, but others I am so glad I got to chance to meet here. Some great people I am glad that Millbrook gave to me include Jess (met Freshman year waiting to be picked up after school), Mrs. G, Ms. Hicks, Mrs. Putnam, Sam G, Mr. Davis, and more. So, it definitely wasn't all bad, it just wasn't all good. But I needed friends for some things, and I needed to be humbled and given a bit of struggle in others, so I think it was okay.

The Whitman Diaries

Whitman's journal is a beautiful thing to behold. Beautiful and also befuddling. The poet is known for his rhythmic free verse and long, drawn out sentences, making his final poetry somewhat hard to understand. The earlier versions of his writings and his observations found in the journal are even more difficult to make sense of. For starters, Whitman jots down his poetry and thoughts in a very messy cursive handwriting. The script is messy and shows little regard for the space on the pages, taking up lots of room with only a few words, suggesting the haste or mindless nature of the author. However, of what I am able to decipher, I find that there are several phrases repeated throughout the journal. There are many mentions of words relating to water, the sea, and especially ships. Whitman describes a ship in the throes of a storm, which is likely a commentary on the state of the country on the brink of war. Similar to his published poetry, the text in the journal is broken up through the use of dashes. However, the text in the journal is less flowy than Whitman's published writings, is shorter, and has fewer commas. I also noticed that Whitman's journal makes heavy use of question marks, although this could be due to the journal being a place for Whitman's inner musings and reflections rather than just for writing poetry.


My first reading, before the yellow links, had me unsure about two things mainly. The first of which was the significance of the phrase 'Libertad.' The annotations revealed that Libertad is the Spanish word for liberty. The annotations offered two reasons that this word may have been used. The first was that Whitman was conveying that liberty is a concept broader than just American applications. I see the significance, but I think Whitman is someone who was always able to communicate the magnitude of important concepts without using other languages. The second explanation offered was that Whitman used the Spanish version because of the many Latin American revolutions being fought at the time. Whitman was very democratic and understanding in his perspective and likely found parallels between these freedom fighters and the secessionists. However, then he goes on to use libertad when he is talking about the ships, even as I saw from the annotations, referring to the libertad as a ship itself. I was confused by this, but then I realized the libertad is a feminine noun in the Spanish language (la libertad). Since ships as vessels are always given feminine pronouns, Whitman's use of this version makes a lot of sense. The second element that I had confusion about were the sketches at the end of the journal. I had not been aware that Whitman engaged in any visual arts, and from the annotations those were not his own work. If Whitman did draw, I would have expected scenes of nature, since those are what he writes about. I immediately recognized the portrait as being of Whitman. Before I read that he did not draw it, I thought it was a self-portrait that showed Whitman as he wanted to see himself, since the image contains such strength and wisdom. However, after learning that it was someone else, it reveals that although the critics of the time period did not appreciate Whitman's artistry, those who got to know him did.